Our Response to Grief
(Published 08/14/2016 HuffPost - Edited 2023)
A few months ago, a mother skidded her car off the highway, wrapping her vehicle around a pole. She died instantly. Her two children in the backseat survived. This event happened in my city, so I kept up with the news report. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of reading a few online comments.
Comment: "A wreck that shouldn't have had any survivors, where people walked away unharmed. God is great."
Response: "God is so great that he took away a child's mother. Praise his glory."
Which comment bothers you the most? For me, it's the first one, the religious response.
In the religious community, high expectations are placed on how we respond to evil and suffering. There is pressure to put on a confident face, stuff your feelings, and speak the accepted jargon. Popular jargon is often a lie that contradicts scripture. Three lies, in particular, I hate hearing.
There is a silver lining to our suffering.
We shouldn't comfort others with consolations and silver linings. We have no right to proclaim any goodness in their suffering. Let God be the one to reveal his goodness and restoration, and allow the family to embrace revelations in their own time.
"Jesus was weeping at the tomb because the bad thing he's about to work for good is bad. The story of Lazarus does not give you a saccharine view of suffering, saying bad things are really blessings in disguise or that every cloud has a silver lining. The Bible never says anything like that! God will give bad things good effects in your life, but they're still bad…This is the reason why I have not told stories the way the talk shows do. 'So and so died. Killed by a drunk driver, and so the parents have changed public policy. Drunk drivers are taken off the road. They have saved lives. Their daughter didn't die in vain.' That is not a consolation…" ~ Dr. Timothy Keller
God will only give you what you can handle.
This lie is said so often (usually by well-meaning individuals) that people actually believe it is scripture. Statistics show that suicide occurs at a similar rate in religious communities as in non-religious communities. Obviously, we are given more than we can handle.
My church recently had an artist’s drawing of a woman drowning on display. This is not something you would typically see in a church, but I don't attend a typical church. People loved it. Why? Because life can sometimes feel like you are drowning. Being a Christian doesn't mean you will never experience depression, anxiety, accidents, or death. Bad things will still happen, and often they will feel like more than you can handle.
The sin in your life caused your suffering.
Yes, actions have consequences, but not all suffering results from our choices. In a fallen world, accidents, natural disasters, generational curses, unequal power structures, and others' hate and evil intentions will cause us suffering.
"If I called and he answered me, I would not believe he was listening to my voice. For he crushes me with a tempest and multiplies my wounds without cause. He will not allow me to catch my breath but filled me with bitterness." Job 9:16-18 (Job - a man of integrity who honored God and turned away from evil, yet lost everything he loved)
"Awake! Why do you sleep, O Lord? Arise! Do not cast us off forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our affliction and our oppression? For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our body clings to the ground." Psalm 44: 23-25 (David - who was "a man after God's own heart," but was forced into hiding to escape a murderous king)
"From noon to three, the whole earth was dark. Around mid-afternoon Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?'" Matthew 27:45-46 (Jesus, who led a blameless life of love and servanthood, yet was executed)
When suffering comes, why do some of us default to unscriptural advise? It comes down to fear.
We are uncomfortable with others' pain. Empathy is not a natural emotion for us. Thanks to the internet, our generation is isolated. We no longer live in a village. We are not prepared to sit with others in their mess. Instead, we are taught to avoid pain, try to fix it, or move on.
We want to protect the character of God. If people see our doubt, they will also doubt God. Guess what? God doesn't need us to protect his character. He is bigger than our PR attempts. Jesus showed a full range of emotions, including sadness and anxiety. Toxic positivity has leaked into the church. Pretending like everything is sunshine and rainbows is not biblical.
We don't fully understand grace. We struggle to live in the freedom the gospel gives us. Deep down, many Christians fear that salvation is dependent on thoughts and actions. We believe God wants perfect, robotic children who always have a smile on their faces and always have the correct response. We forget that Jacob wrestled with God and was blessed because of it (Genesis 32:22-32). We ignore most of the Psalms, which are full of lament, anger, depression, and cries for justice. God does not dismiss these emotions. He welcomes our authenticity because he created us to be fully human.
We don't want to face our own doubts about God's goodness. We desperately want to find a reason for others suffering. We want to blame the person and their sin because it is easier than believing God allows suffering. If God allows suffering, then none of us are safe. We've forgotten that God never promised us safety; he does promise to be near.
"The Lord is near to all who call on him…" Psalm 145:18.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18.